mcshep cd/fic-thing: this our bitter end
Apr. 4th, 2005 12:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amezriI really, really need to work on something other than song mixes and cracked out fic. This is not healthy and it's counter-productive. That said, I'm a nutcase and I've got a new McShep CD, which is heavy on the Rodney POV. It turned into a fic-babble thing. Which is not any good, so don't worry about it. Skim if you'd like and download the music. Because music is always good.
Title: This Our Bitter End
Author: Amezri (amezri @ livejournal dot com)
Rating: PG
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Summary: People will know when they see this show the kind of guy I am.
Spoilers: Season 1 through "The Siege Part 2"
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys, don't own the girls. Don't own the lyrics either.
Author's notes: This started as a simple McShep mix CD. Which then became a McShep CD from Rodney's POV... and now it's a weird songfic. I hesitate to even call it a fic because it would be insulting to actual fic writers. I've used lyrics from all the songs, in order, for this insane (and likely unreadable) little babble. Words in grey are what I wrote, black are song lyrics. My first anything-resembling-fic in ages, so feedback and criticisms are greatly desired. Really, I just hope the mix CD is good and I can't be frelled to care much about the fic.
People will know when they see this show the kind of guy I am. They'll recognize just what I stand for. They'll perceive what I believe in and what I know is true. People meditate, hey that's just great, trying to find the inner you. That New Age quackery isn't for me. People depend on family and friends, and other folks to pull them through. Not me. I'm a one-man show: these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat are all I love and know.Who needs all those people hovering around you when you're trying to get serious scientific research done. I'm a one-man guy. I eat solo every night, unplug the phone... sleep alone.Yeah, it's sort of sick, being your own one and only.
That all changed when I joined the Atlantis expedition. Or, rather when a certain Major joined my team. Yes, my team - the whole Atlantis project? Mine. Just don't tell Weir I said so. When we all stepped through the Pegasus gate, it was clear there was no one else around. "Keep it together," I've thought to myself, oh, a million times since we've arrived. "Can we rise?" I thought as the shields began to fail and the city began to shake. Can we miss the storm that sucked the whole world in? God, that was a bitch - and I do mean Kolya and the Genii. The clouds appeared and our fearless crew was not prepared. I'm proud to report that I was able to keep it together and pretty soon the spirit was a lot like what it used to be back home. Sort of. With imminent Wraith attack looming overhead.
Didn't I tell you everything's fine? I'll never admit to this, but often, I feel like we're navigating blind. Seventy thousand things to ponder today; to exaggerate and compound the stress. What things, you might be wondering. Oh, I don't know. How about trying to find working ZPMs? Or keeping off the Wraith's dinner menu. Things blowing up, being shot at, drowning in an alternate reality... saving Major Sheppard is always good for a coronary. "It could be fun to try saving the world," I thought while I was working with SG-1, anticipating the time when it'll be my turn to be the hero and not the abrasive, arrogant scientist that everyone wants to avoid. Yes, I do know how you people see me, but I don't know how to be any other way.
Everyday I wake up alone because I'm not like the other boys. Ever since I was young, I had no choice - it's not easy being more brilliant than your teachers at the age of three. The Stargate program - and especially the Atlantis Project - was a perfect place for me. The project members were the top of their field - so I was only mostly annoyed by their idiocy. However, one of the downsides was having to deal with military - how did those people manage to get themselves dressed and fed everyday anyway? Hm. Speaking of the Major... he still never told me why he didn't join Mensa. He passed the test! Who passes the test and doesn't join? Also, I think he's flirting with me. No, I'm not making that up - I'm a genius, remember? I admit it's not much fun, to be led on by such a one, but I wouldn't say no.
"Would you meet me by the water," he'd say. "We'd have a really good time." He'd flash that Sheppard smile and I'd be gone. "I've been thinking everyday about you. You don't fit anywhere into my life..."
"That's okay," I'd say. "'Cause I think I might be right for you." Even though everyone says I'm crazy and everyone says I'm a fool.
His smile gets a little bit brighter. "And because of that, I'm not scared at all. Would you meet me by the water tonight? 'Cause I'm ready to break all the rules."
And then I would turn into a trashy romance novel and say, "I knew from the very first moment that I met you that you'd be the one."
Oh yeah. Like that would happen. It's all a little bit strange because I'm thinking about it all the time. Here, where they can't find us, I dare them to call me out or tell him we met here on purpose. "Behind closed doors, you're truly mine," he'd say. Real, a lie - I am that kind, living blind. I'm some love-sick teenager with a crush on the high school quarterback. If these walls came crumbling down, from what's left, we'd figure it out. "I hope you stay American, baby - you bring me hope," I said to him once. "You lift me up and always will. Hope I don't get left behind." I was very drunk. So was he, because he said he would never leave me behind - because we were a team. I thought that was true until the idiot took one of the jumpers out to greet the Wraith with a nuke.
We're teetering on the front-lines and you're an asset - why the hell would you go and blow yourself up? I am constantly amazed that that man's stupidity and... selfishness. Yes, selfish: if he dies, where does that leave me? I mean, us... no, I mean, Atlantis. Okay, yes, the Wraith: they're hiding everywhere - they want bring us down. In the dark and in your mind, they'll take up space and make you blind with their scary Wraith shadow thing. Maybe he missed out on the little fact that the Prometheus is on its way and we are stronger now with the reinforcements that Earth sent. Yeah, that doesn't sound too convincing to me either. I don't know and I don't care.
John's gone. He took out the Wraith hive ship, yes, but he's gone. I used to get away with so much, now I can't get away. I even thought that it was simple to say the things I wanted to say. He told me everything I wanted to hear - especially when I didn't want to hear it. He sold me - that's how it feels - now I don't know how I should feel. Weir sent me to see Heightmeyer. What if I said what I was thinking? What if that says too much? When everybody's got a reason to celebrate, I feel like giving up. I just have to keep believing that he made it and waiting is all that I can do until he finds his way back to me.
Now I wish I had the balls to act when he was still here. If I kissed him would he push my face away? If I told him how I feel would he have listened anyway? "I miss you more than words could ever say... I miss you every single empty day," I slurred, holding the almost-empty bottle of Athosian alcohol. Getting drunk alone in my quarters has become a habit. That bastard. I never told him, "you were the one I believed." If I touched him would he push my hand away? I should have been smarter, thought of another plan - fixed the damn chair. I wish people would bury me in the blame.
"How are you feeling? Do you feel okay?" Heightmeyer asks during out daily sessions.
"I don't," I'd spit out. "It keeps me reeling. Will I ever be the same?" No. I won't. "I really wished I could have saved you," I think every hour, every minute. Right now, I could use a stiff drink to kill the pain that's deep inside my bones.
"Have you been dreaming?," she asks, scribbling down notes.
"I don't dream at all," I say softly. "I have nightmares."
Teyla pulled me aside one day, asking me to follow her to one of the larger rooms that the Athosians had been using. I didn't have the energy to protest and soon found myself surrounded by a small group of musicians. She gestured to a floor cushion as I looked at her questioningly. When I was settled, the music began and I felt oddly comforted. "This is a song," she said. "a song for a departure. This is a song to make you homewards." Music to soothe the soul. I suppose I could spare a few minutes to listen. They'd gone to so much effort... "This is a song," she continued, "to break your heart to. This is a song for broken lovers." As soon as the words left her lips, I ran out of the room.
It's probably not surprising that I'm back in my room getting piss drunk and cursing John Sheppard for being such a heroic asshole. "I wish I could tell you," I sighed, staring at the ceiling. "Tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. I wish you could tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Your inane questions. I'm sorry I couldn't... I was just guessing, at numbers and figures - pulling the puzzles apart. None of know how any of this Ancient technology really works, okay? Questions of science... science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart. Tell me you love me. Come back and haunt me." Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. Sitting here, dunk off my ass, I know. Black is the color of my true love's hair. His face so soft and wondrous fair, the purest eyes and the strongest hands, and all those cheesy romantic clichés. I hope that the time will come when he and I will be as one.
So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? After so long, I don't think I could. Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? "How I wish, how I wish you were here." Wish you were here.
-------------------------
I think these print out... wrong, but I don't know how to fix it, so... *shrug* It might be a bit dark on some monitors.
And here are the tracks, all up individually for download. Right-click + save, please. Feedback is lovely. Comments are cool, too. Do not hotlink. Songs will be up for about a week.
01 Rufus Wainwright // One Man Guy
02 Guster // Keep It Together
03 Brooke Fraser // Saving the World
04 Travis // As You Are
05 Rachael Yamagata // Meet Me by the Water
06 Howie Day // End of Our Days
07 Melissa Auf Der Maur // Real A Lie
08 Dave Matthews Band // American Baby
09 Jill Stevenson // Ghosts
10 Michelle Branch // Find Your Way Back
11 Econoline Crush // Razorblades And Bandaids
12 Dashboard Prophets // Ballad For Dead Friends
13 Manic Street Preachers // A Song for Departure
14 Coldplay // The Scientist
15 Nina Simone // Black is the Color of My True Love's Hair (Jaffa Mix)
16 Rasputina // Wish You Were Here
crossposted at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
mckay_sheppard
Title: This Our Bitter End
Author: Amezri (amezri @ livejournal dot com)
Rating: PG
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Summary: People will know when they see this show the kind of guy I am.
Spoilers: Season 1 through "The Siege Part 2"
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys, don't own the girls. Don't own the lyrics either.
Author's notes: This started as a simple McShep mix CD. Which then became a McShep CD from Rodney's POV... and now it's a weird songfic. I hesitate to even call it a fic because it would be insulting to actual fic writers. I've used lyrics from all the songs, in order, for this insane (and likely unreadable) little babble. Words in grey are what I wrote, black are song lyrics. My first anything-resembling-fic in ages, so feedback and criticisms are greatly desired. Really, I just hope the mix CD is good and I can't be frelled to care much about the fic.
People will know when they see this show the kind of guy I am. They'll recognize just what I stand for. They'll perceive what I believe in and what I know is true. People meditate, hey that's just great, trying to find the inner you. That New Age quackery isn't for me. People depend on family and friends, and other folks to pull them through. Not me. I'm a one-man show: these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat are all I love and know.Who needs all those people hovering around you when you're trying to get serious scientific research done. I'm a one-man guy. I eat solo every night, unplug the phone... sleep alone.Yeah, it's sort of sick, being your own one and only.
That all changed when I joined the Atlantis expedition. Or, rather when a certain Major joined my team. Yes, my team - the whole Atlantis project? Mine. Just don't tell Weir I said so. When we all stepped through the Pegasus gate, it was clear there was no one else around. "Keep it together," I've thought to myself, oh, a million times since we've arrived. "Can we rise?" I thought as the shields began to fail and the city began to shake. Can we miss the storm that sucked the whole world in? God, that was a bitch - and I do mean Kolya and the Genii. The clouds appeared and our fearless crew was not prepared. I'm proud to report that I was able to keep it together and pretty soon the spirit was a lot like what it used to be back home. Sort of. With imminent Wraith attack looming overhead.
Didn't I tell you everything's fine? I'll never admit to this, but often, I feel like we're navigating blind. Seventy thousand things to ponder today; to exaggerate and compound the stress. What things, you might be wondering. Oh, I don't know. How about trying to find working ZPMs? Or keeping off the Wraith's dinner menu. Things blowing up, being shot at, drowning in an alternate reality... saving Major Sheppard is always good for a coronary. "It could be fun to try saving the world," I thought while I was working with SG-1, anticipating the time when it'll be my turn to be the hero and not the abrasive, arrogant scientist that everyone wants to avoid. Yes, I do know how you people see me, but I don't know how to be any other way.
Everyday I wake up alone because I'm not like the other boys. Ever since I was young, I had no choice - it's not easy being more brilliant than your teachers at the age of three. The Stargate program - and especially the Atlantis Project - was a perfect place for me. The project members were the top of their field - so I was only mostly annoyed by their idiocy. However, one of the downsides was having to deal with military - how did those people manage to get themselves dressed and fed everyday anyway? Hm. Speaking of the Major... he still never told me why he didn't join Mensa. He passed the test! Who passes the test and doesn't join? Also, I think he's flirting with me. No, I'm not making that up - I'm a genius, remember? I admit it's not much fun, to be led on by such a one, but I wouldn't say no.
"Would you meet me by the water," he'd say. "We'd have a really good time." He'd flash that Sheppard smile and I'd be gone. "I've been thinking everyday about you. You don't fit anywhere into my life..."
"That's okay," I'd say. "'Cause I think I might be right for you." Even though everyone says I'm crazy and everyone says I'm a fool.
His smile gets a little bit brighter. "And because of that, I'm not scared at all. Would you meet me by the water tonight? 'Cause I'm ready to break all the rules."
And then I would turn into a trashy romance novel and say, "I knew from the very first moment that I met you that you'd be the one."
Oh yeah. Like that would happen. It's all a little bit strange because I'm thinking about it all the time. Here, where they can't find us, I dare them to call me out or tell him we met here on purpose. "Behind closed doors, you're truly mine," he'd say. Real, a lie - I am that kind, living blind. I'm some love-sick teenager with a crush on the high school quarterback. If these walls came crumbling down, from what's left, we'd figure it out. "I hope you stay American, baby - you bring me hope," I said to him once. "You lift me up and always will. Hope I don't get left behind." I was very drunk. So was he, because he said he would never leave me behind - because we were a team. I thought that was true until the idiot took one of the jumpers out to greet the Wraith with a nuke.
We're teetering on the front-lines and you're an asset - why the hell would you go and blow yourself up? I am constantly amazed that that man's stupidity and... selfishness. Yes, selfish: if he dies, where does that leave me? I mean, us... no, I mean, Atlantis. Okay, yes, the Wraith: they're hiding everywhere - they want bring us down. In the dark and in your mind, they'll take up space and make you blind with their scary Wraith shadow thing. Maybe he missed out on the little fact that the Prometheus is on its way and we are stronger now with the reinforcements that Earth sent. Yeah, that doesn't sound too convincing to me either. I don't know and I don't care.
John's gone. He took out the Wraith hive ship, yes, but he's gone. I used to get away with so much, now I can't get away. I even thought that it was simple to say the things I wanted to say. He told me everything I wanted to hear - especially when I didn't want to hear it. He sold me - that's how it feels - now I don't know how I should feel. Weir sent me to see Heightmeyer. What if I said what I was thinking? What if that says too much? When everybody's got a reason to celebrate, I feel like giving up. I just have to keep believing that he made it and waiting is all that I can do until he finds his way back to me.
Now I wish I had the balls to act when he was still here. If I kissed him would he push my face away? If I told him how I feel would he have listened anyway? "I miss you more than words could ever say... I miss you every single empty day," I slurred, holding the almost-empty bottle of Athosian alcohol. Getting drunk alone in my quarters has become a habit. That bastard. I never told him, "you were the one I believed." If I touched him would he push my hand away? I should have been smarter, thought of another plan - fixed the damn chair. I wish people would bury me in the blame.
"How are you feeling? Do you feel okay?" Heightmeyer asks during out daily sessions.
"I don't," I'd spit out. "It keeps me reeling. Will I ever be the same?" No. I won't. "I really wished I could have saved you," I think every hour, every minute. Right now, I could use a stiff drink to kill the pain that's deep inside my bones.
"Have you been dreaming?," she asks, scribbling down notes.
"I don't dream at all," I say softly. "I have nightmares."
Teyla pulled me aside one day, asking me to follow her to one of the larger rooms that the Athosians had been using. I didn't have the energy to protest and soon found myself surrounded by a small group of musicians. She gestured to a floor cushion as I looked at her questioningly. When I was settled, the music began and I felt oddly comforted. "This is a song," she said. "a song for a departure. This is a song to make you homewards." Music to soothe the soul. I suppose I could spare a few minutes to listen. They'd gone to so much effort... "This is a song," she continued, "to break your heart to. This is a song for broken lovers." As soon as the words left her lips, I ran out of the room.
It's probably not surprising that I'm back in my room getting piss drunk and cursing John Sheppard for being such a heroic asshole. "I wish I could tell you," I sighed, staring at the ceiling. "Tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. I wish you could tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Your inane questions. I'm sorry I couldn't... I was just guessing, at numbers and figures - pulling the puzzles apart. None of know how any of this Ancient technology really works, okay? Questions of science... science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart. Tell me you love me. Come back and haunt me." Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. Sitting here, dunk off my ass, I know. Black is the color of my true love's hair. His face so soft and wondrous fair, the purest eyes and the strongest hands, and all those cheesy romantic clichés. I hope that the time will come when he and I will be as one.
So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? After so long, I don't think I could. Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? "How I wish, how I wish you were here." Wish you were here.
-------------------------
I think these print out... wrong, but I don't know how to fix it, so... *shrug* It might be a bit dark on some monitors.
And here are the tracks, all up individually for download. Right-click + save, please. Feedback is lovely. Comments are cool, too. Do not hotlink. Songs will be up for about a week.
01 Rufus Wainwright // One Man Guy
02 Guster // Keep It Together
03 Brooke Fraser // Saving the World
04 Travis // As You Are
05 Rachael Yamagata // Meet Me by the Water
06 Howie Day // End of Our Days
07 Melissa Auf Der Maur // Real A Lie
08 Dave Matthews Band // American Baby
09 Jill Stevenson // Ghosts
10 Michelle Branch // Find Your Way Back
11 Econoline Crush // Razorblades And Bandaids
12 Dashboard Prophets // Ballad For Dead Friends
13 Manic Street Preachers // A Song for Departure
14 Coldplay // The Scientist
15 Nina Simone // Black is the Color of My True Love's Hair (Jaffa Mix)
16 Rasputina // Wish You Were Here
crossposted at
mckay_sheppard
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-04-04 06:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-04 12:07 pm (UTC)Awesome cover
Date: 2005-04-04 11:10 am (UTC)Re: Awesome cover
Date: 2005-04-04 11:49 am (UTC)Re: Awesome cover
Date: 2005-04-05 08:38 pm (UTC)My only question: the track listing is on the right...so when I printed out the cover, the "This Our Bitter End" is on the back (when folded). :(
Re: Awesome cover
Date: 2005-04-05 09:49 pm (UTC)Actually... when you print that out, is it even the right size?
Uhm. And one more thing.. someone downloading says there was a problem with tacks 6-13 being blippy. Notice anything?
Re: Awesome cover
Date: 2005-04-05 10:24 pm (UTC)Party Ben's are so amusing
Date: 2005-04-06 07:18 pm (UTC)Yes, the sizing was fine and no, I didn't notice that tracks 6-13 were blippy. Would the server going down influence the dl?
Do more mix cds! Or take a breather and check out tinymixedtapes!
P.S. How was Sin City? Clive Owen in particular...
Re: Party Ben's are so amusing
Date: 2005-04-19 05:36 pm (UTC)Checked out tinymixedtapes. Very cool! I rummaged for a while.
Sin City was awesome. Clive Owen was HOT. I'm sad that he won't allow them to make a Dwight action figure, but then it probably wouldn't look like him anyway.
heh
Date: 2005-04-19 09:39 pm (UTC)mmmmmmhhhhuuuuummmmm
clive owen:
mmmmmmhhhhuuuuummmmm
no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 05:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 10:25 pm (UTC)